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\\\\\ BENNY’S 12 YEARS STORY
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\\\\\ Description: This is a story of what i’ve been through for my
\\\\\ past 12 years. Hope you’ll get to know me better
\\\\\ after this. ^_^
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\\\\\ Table of contents:
\\\\\ • Introduction
\\\\\ • My says
\\\\\ • Chapter one : The day we met
\\\\\ • Chapter two : My suspect
\\\\\ • Chapter three : What has got into me?
\\\\\ • Chapter four : Lost of memory
\\\\\ • Chapter five : My new life
\\\\\ • My eplaination
\\\\\ • Thanks
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\\\\\ Email : bennylum79@gmail.com
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\\\\\ Website : http://friendster.com/benny79
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/////////———- INTRODUCTION ———-\\\\\\\\\\
Everyone have their own past and story. Some have very sad story, and i feel sorry for them. Some have happy marriaged until they turn old… and some new married couples too… but for how long..? I’m not trying to compare with other couples or making up story to tell everyone how pity or sad my story is gonna be. This is my real life story from my past 12 years, that was combined from every pages of my dairy. Believe my story or not, i’m not interested. Anyway, writing this story is to let my friends to know more about me. There’s no way i’m gonna write all these in my online profiles. This is way too LONG STORY! My story don’t need anyone to pity or feel sorry for me. Purpose of this is to let YOU know me more detailed.
/////////———- MY SAYS ———-\\\\\\\\\\
I used to have a very happy and admirable marriaged. However, because of my doing. I live with shames, guilties and blames due to my story and background. So, please… please treasure the one you loved. No matter he/she was dead or alive, if you did something wrong and cause him/her to leave you, you’ll still feel guilties and blames.
/////////———- CHAPTER ONE : The day we met ———-\\\\\\\\\\
I knew my wife ever since we met, until now it has been around 12 years. We got married after 3 years. The next 2 years, we bought a puppy too. It’s name was "Lucky". He was a very adorable boy, both of us treat him just like our son. We gave all our love and caring to Lucky. These 2 years, we’ve been a happy couple. Both of us have our own career. No matter what we do or where we go, we’ll do it together. We cook together, watch movie together, eat together, play with lucky together, sleep together, do house work and even shower together. Friends and families were so admired that we were such a loving couple. Me, lucky and my wife… i though we’ll be together forever like this but until one day…..
After 2 years of happy marriaged. That was 5 years later from the day we knew each other. I started to play online games…
I’ve played almost every games as long as they were online games. Sound crazy huh? No jokes, i’ve turned into a super gamer. I’ve been possessed and addicted to online games…… i lost my career and started playing games every day and night. I can even play 24 hours per day without sleep! Eat only Maggie Mee, never step out of house. For 6 years…….
This has been going on for 6 years … Whenever she talks to me when i’m playing game, i’ve never listen. Whenever she wants to go somewhere, i couldn’t be bothered.. she’ve totally been ignored by me which i don’t even realised. I’ve became a lousy husband ever since i started online games. One day, she began to went out very often. Sometime even until midnight then came back. I asked her, she said go to one of her female friend’s house which i thought there’s no problem about it. Until one night, she only came back on the next morning. I asked her, she said the same. During at night on that same day, i came out an idea to test her. I requested to have sex with her, but she claimed her private part pain. From there, i suspect something fishy.
/////////———- CHAPTER TWO : My suspect ———-\\\\\\\\\\
I made up my mind to hired a PI (Private Inspector or investigator is that what we called them? Whatever..) to investigate.
A few weeks later, the PI contacted me. And show me what they’ve found by videos and photos. Result, was just what i suspected… She was with another guy… Left the PI’s office, started to daze off and wondering around… (Look… look what’ve i done…? What’ve i got myself into?!)
Someone came into my mind… telling me, "It’s all your own doing! You ignored you wife, your dear son. All you care is your games!". By then, the only way that i can though of to solve this problem. I gonna let go….
I had quited and stop games, never i’ll lay my single finger on online games. And i decided to leave my wife, not because she betrayed me. After all… it’s my fault and i’m the one to blame on. Reason why i wanna leave her… I’ve been torturing her by ignoring her for 6 years. She the one that handling the daily spends. Since i was unable to give her any happiness, i should let her go find herself a new one. Of cause, she doesn’t knew that i already discover all the truth. I told her i was shamed and sorried to be a failed husband and then i left….
/////////———- CHAPTER THREE : What has got into me? ———-\\\\\\\\\\
After the day i left, i’ve been forced by my parents to give lucky away while i was still feeling very down. I became so lost, so lost that i lost both my beloved in one night (Lucky and my wife). I’ve nothing left for myself, money, son, wife, care and love from her… Everyday… Everything turned silence around me, air that i breath in were so… sour, tears came rolling every now and then that i can’t control.. Those guilties and blames of inability on my shoulders never leave me. I can’t remember how to smile.. or the purposes for smiling…
I’m so broke ever since… I have to work for a living. I took up whatever job there were in the newspaper where i don’t bother what’s the job was. Work and get paid, that’s all i cared. I isolated myself from most of my friends and online friends that i used to meet up. Even my colleages, i only answered whatever they asked. I… i just don’t feeling like talking to anyone.
I can’t eat and sleep… sorrow was kept in me, i’ve tired not to think. However, it won’t wont…I’ve to drink every night after work in order to get my mind off and sleep.
My life… was went to work with a souless body. And drink till dead after work… this have been going on for 1 month. On the second month, my heath have changes… i fainted every now and then, unprepared. There were once fainted at home without anyone around, twice at my work. First time i fainted, i thought maybe i don’t have enough rest or sleep and i ignored it. Second times i fainted at work and was brought to a client by my colleages, doctor said i drink too much and got low blood pressure. (I just hack care and still carry on drinking, cause i just can’t get off my guilties and blames.) Third times i fainted at work, this time i never woke up while the previous time i did. So, i was brought to the company staff’s rest room. Two colleages were there with me until i woke up. But, i feel weird after i regain consciousness…
/////////———- CHAPTER FOUR : Lost of memory ———-\\\\\\\\\\
However, i still drink after i knock off from my work. Still the same.. having guilties and blames… My mobile have not been ringing for a long time. A sms ! My caller ID show her name, suprisely i can’t recall who is she! Who is she? ! I just can’t recall ! I was shaking and scare… i told my mum… because i have a strange feeling in me, i knew i knew her but i can’t remember. She just kept quiet and smile at me. Told me not to worry, everything will be fine from now on. When i was having dinner with my parents, she called. My mum took over my mobile and walk away fro a distance from me. They have a short conversation. Mum didn’t told me anything… I knew… this girl was once used to be very important to me, and i sure about that. Of cause , i still drink every night and having those guilties and blames on me. But for what reason?? I started to search and digged on the internet. I digged into my online photo ablums and my dairy… headach fall upon me.. but i still carry on… i read my dairy and tears rolling down sadness went deeper. And hated myself more than before. I…. realised i… lost my memory about this person…. and now i….. remember it all…….. (So, it’s… a short term lost of memory.)
/////////———- CHAPTER FIVE : My new life ———-\\\\\\\\\\
One year have passed since we’ve been divorced, and i have become very much a loner. Plagued by the guilt of allowing someone i cared deeply for to been ignored and treated without care by myself. Everything still the same, isolated my self, drinking every night, can’t get off my guilties and blames. Some new Friends i met within this period Friends, started to convince and help me. At first, it won’t work… however, they never give up on me. Slowly… i tried to change my life. I change my job and working as a sale promoter, i need a new environment to start out my new life. But, for the first month.. nothing has changed. My guilties and blames of inability still crafted in my mind… i doesn’t talk to others or customers…
One day my manager came, took me out to a cafe while i’m still under working hour. She consulted and convinced me.
So.. so many people care about me… But, why? Unwilling or unable to forget the pasts. It is my feelings of guilt and inability that have driven myself to this present state. I’m afraid and trying my best to avoid giving anybody my promisses and my words. And that even if i tried to care about, i would ultimately fail, just as i failed and disappointed her. I….i am of no use to anyone… I can’t afford to disappoint anyone… anymore… nobody….
After afew months in the new job. I’ve tried to fight against my guilt and inability. However, i’ve began to took my first step on getting online and managed my social network sites that i used to have tons of them. And even began to meet up some of my friends. But still, i’m unwilling to forgive and give myself a second chance for my mistakes….. I thought i could, but i couldn’t…. My guilt and inability have been crafted in my heart forever it’ll be a phobia….
As what my friends told me, "You need a girl that really love you, have patient, and willing to help you forget the past."
/////////———- MY EXPLAINATION ———-\\\\\\\\\\
Well… that’s my story. Although, i’m started to know more friends online through social networks, but i somehow does have much to chat. For been to quiet or nothing to say, some online friends just ignored me and lost contact.
*To my online friends if you’re reading this:
(Please bear with me, it wasn’t easy for me to get over what i’ve been through. Due to those few years, my character and personality have tamed me and driven myself to this present state. I know i doesn’t talk much online and only say "hmmm", "huh" or "…". I apologize…)
However, on the other hand. In reality, i’m still live with my feelings of guilt and inability, sometime… i still have the imagination of her around me, seeing her smiling with me from a distance…
Although my guilt and inability have cursed me, i still clings to the friendships i have forged no matter they’re from online or reality….. I might try to joke… but my joke wasn’t funny… I did my best to try whatever i can… please understand… give me some time… i’ll fix thing right…
/////////———- THANKS ———-\\\\\\\\\\
Thank you for reading my story. Hope it let you get to know more about me. This whole story was gathered from my dairy and put it up together into a whole story. Most parts of me should be in it. My 12 years… hmmm…yea…12 years all here.